I’m writing for them. The editors have every right to change my article for their magazine. This is my forum and I’m going to put it up as I would have it. It would be illogical to have any animosity towards them.
Stinkpot. Yellow Mud. Red-eared slider. Ornate Box. River Cooter.
Urban Dictionary defines these words very differently than any herpetologist worth a pound of turtle meat (about $24). But turtle experts, such as John Richards, know the names of turtle species when they see them.
And yes, the study of amphibians is actually called herpetology.
If an authentic Jurassic Park existed, turtles would walk next to Brontoraptors, Megalosauruses and Robert Muldoon. In fact, turtles roamed Pangea thousands of years before those dinosaurs. Clever girls.
There are a lot of reasons why turtles have survived for either 200 million or 5,700 years depending on how gullible you are and literally you take the Old Testament.
The life of an individual turtle can typically range from 100 to 150 years. Females can lay up to 32 eggs at a time. They eat pretty much anything, including rotting fish meat, algae and larva.
They’re good enough fishermen (fisherturtles?) to turn Al McClain green with envy. To fish, their tongue looks like a worm. Once a fish gets drawn in—snap—the turtle chomps down and chows down.
It would seem like Mother Nature has an ironic sense of humor.
Turtles and humans
Jeff Briggler, a herpetologist with the Department of Conservation said unprovoked turtle attacks are rare. A turtle’s shell, not its bite, serves as the main defense against predators.
According to folklore, a turtle won’t let go of someone it bit until it hears a clap of thunder. Briggler said if you’re bit by a turtle put it on the floor of the nearest body of water. It’s more effective than a rain dance.
The hill folk would say Jason St. Clair needed a clap of thunder when he was fishing for largemouth bass at the Finger Lakes near Columbia 13 years ago.
He was in the water, next to an inflatable raft, and had put on SCUBA flippers to get around with less effort. A 25 pound snapping, about half the size of a garbage can lid, mistook one of his flipper for a late lunch and latched on.
His fishing buddies watched and shared a laugh at his expense from a nearby jon boat. St. Clair can laugh about the experience when the story’s retold by his friends, as it inevitably will. At the time he wasn’t nearly as jovial.
“I had to lean back to see what happened,” St. Clair said. “It scared the hell out of me.”
He said he was uninjured but threw flipper away and sold the raft.
Briggler said he’s heard stories about turtles biting through broom handles and fingers but doubts their authenticity. There’s a video on Richards website of a snapping turtle easily piercing a plastic water bottle. A turtle’s bite will like cause tissue damage Briggler said.
Turtle hunting
Briggler said turtles’ main predators are humans. Crows, ravens and foxes sometimes eat turtles also. The Conservation Department doesn’t record the number of turtles killed by non-commercial hunters.
Especially if you’re near Cape Girardeau don’t confuse an Alligator Snapping Turtle with a Common Snapping Turtle.
Look down at the turtle in question. If it’s eyes can be seen from above, there’s only one row of scales on its side and it has sharp bumps on its tail then put on some water. It’s time to make turtle soup.
If you don’t see the turtle’s eyes from above, there are two rows of scales and round bumps on its tail take a picture and put it on Instagram or something. Its unlawful to kill this rare species.
Hunters can kill Common Snapping Turtles for the same reasons hunters kill deer. Between July 1st and New Year’s Day it’s legal to kill five a day and possess ten, just don’t use a gun.
It’s not illegal but it’s probably not a good idea to tell your girlfriend you’re going to the Ozarks to look for River Cooters either.
Deep Long Thoughts 